Microsoft to Make Motorcycle
By Michael
C. Richards
Microsoft®
announced today that they will ship a new motorcycle by third quarter of fiscal
2000. The new superbike styled motorcycle is being called "Tanis"
right now, but will tentatively be called "Microsoft® Windows® Motorcycle
2000 NT®," the "NT®" is said to stand for "Need
Testicles," hinting at the bikes handling characteristics. The Project was
originally called "Microsoft® Windows® Motorcycle 1986 NT®," but
due to some unforeseen beta test glitches the project has fallen slightly behind
schedule.
Those
problems aside, the new bike is said to be capable of 450 mph thanks to a new
internal engine bus that allows the spark plug wires to communicate directly to
the spark plugs themselves, instead of going through a separate protocol stack
via the headlamp system, as was first proposed. The motorcycle has been reported
to handle well even though it weighs in at almost 3,523 pounds. The weight is
attributed to the almost 75 million lines of code required to build the bike.
Microsoft Engineers did state however that all the performance figures you see
here were achieved using Microsoft Gas and on Microsoft Highways.
More software drivers will be available for roads near you soon. They will start with Interstate Highways and should be
starting on State Roads in the second quarter of fiscal 2031. When not using Microsoft® verified drivers the performance
figures drop to 32 mph and 4,697 pounds, respectively.
So
far during beta testing the crotch rocket has been performing fine, although
there was one fatality when beta test rider Oscar Canelo was high-sided into a
guardrail when the bike "blue-screened," a euphemism for a common
occurrence encountered by the software. "It's really nothing to worry
about," quipped one Microsoft Engineer. "It only happens every once in
a while and is easily fixed by a Cold Boot and a Full Re-Install. We hope to
have the product at least 75 percent (reliability) by the time we ship it."
In
an unprecedented move, Microsoft® has instituted an EULA or "End User
Licensing Agreement" that will ship with all bikes. By breaking the bag
that surrounds the motorcycle, you are immediately bound by this agreement under
penalty of death. The full details of this agreement are sketchy still, but
there are a few basic facts we know so far. This is a single user agreement,
thus if you want to carry a passenger you will either have to purchase another
single user license (half of the
full retail price of the motorcycle) or you will have to purchase
"Microsoft® Windows® Motorcycle 2000 NT® for Servers and Multiple
Riders, Professional Edition." One of the other undocumented features, that
we know about, is that each motorcycle has a individual personal ID that allows
your motorcycle to be uniquely identified by local, state and federal law
enforcement authorities. The motorcycle has a real-time, full-telemetry
satellite up-link with said authorities allowing them to monitor vital
information like speed, RPM and your favorite ethnic food. Security pundits
claim this is an invasion of privacy, but Microsoft® says it's for our own good
and we should stop whining.
Microsoft®
has also announced plans to market the new motorcycle via all motorcycle
dealerships in the world by pre-loading all dealership's inventories with the
new product. Some of the older dealerships that specialize in used bikes will
not suffer very much. However, all new motorcycles shipped by any manufacturer
will, upon opening the crate, be overwritten by the new Microsoft® Motorcycle's
Automated Setup Program. Some say this constitutes a monopoly but Microsoft®
says that it is simply a "backward-compatibility" issue and that there
is no reason to be alarmed. "Older motorcycles will simply not be able to
function alongside the newer, more advanced units," a Microsoft® spokesman
said.
All
in all, we here at Bold Bikes are looking forward to testing the new
"Microsoft® Windows® Motorcycle 2000 NT®" and are trying to set up
Off-Shore financing to be able to afford the "Microsoft® Windows®
Motorcycle 2000 NT® for Servers and Multiple Riders, Professional Edition"
as well. We'll keep you up to date...